This is like so freaking long since the last blog entry. Guilty? Not really. Not really attached to the fact that blogging is kinda the 'in' thing. Okay that last statement ironically is not 'in' at all, 'cause you probably figured I'm living in a time a few months back. What the heck. Been so busy with so many things my head can burst. Literally. Straight after exams comes my jcrc publicity responsibilities, which I really no longer keen on carrying on (I'll talk about this matter later). Then when I thought I could enjoy my weekend on cruise, I'm horrified by the realisation that my HO course starts the immediate next day I come back from cruise. Result? No time for preparation. Mad rush. Lousy start to the holidays. But I got through that. But this few weeks has been a real drama for my emotions. And I've got to blame myself for it. Surprising but yes, I'm actually admitting to the fault. But in such situations who else can I blame but my own doing?
My relationship went through a very rocky path the weekend in between my HO course. I presumed the build-up to it was my over-involvement in things other than my dear, together with my negligence of my jcrc duties, which to my dislike, fell onto my darling. The result of it was a huge confusion between both of us. Confused about who we are looking for, who we want, and who we really are. At that moment I swear that I really felt the relationship going down. I felt lost. I didn't want to let go, but I didn't know what to do. I called him. I wandered outside for what seems to be the longest hour in my life, wondering about the eventual outcome of our meeting. And once again, he reassured me, he just needed to be sure about what I feel of us. He wasn't asking for a split, he didn't want it. I thought I had to be the one to reassure him, comfort him, tell him to give the both of us confidence. Thank god for having him with me, I don't know what I've done to deserve all his forgiving-ness and all I can tell myself now is make myself worthy of him and all that he has been doing for me. Sometimes I wonder why I make certain sacrifices for him, then I realise I did them willingly. I willingly devote myself to him. And this is a promise of a lifetime I make to him. Whoever said the first relationship never lasts, must have not put in his greatest effort. After all the tears, all I can conclude from it is pain. It never should happen again, never should have, and I hope never will.
After that episode, I feel I've grown in a very subtle manner. To be appreciative to the things I'm allowed to be exposed to. He put to me a very good point that he constantly made arrangements to suit my schedule, took care of the duties I did not fulfil. All these are very small subtle actions that people hardly notice happening around them. Me being the absolutely pa jiao kind obviously missed them too. But thank god he didn't just let things continue as they were, if not I wouldn't know what will be of the two of us now, probably blown totally out of proportions already. OK enough of it already. Everything is back and I'm finally starting to see things, so just pray that I never will have to go through such terrible lessons again!
Happy things now. During course, other than the fact that I had eye candy and old friends to ease the emotion pain during that time, I was actually involved in a scandal myself! But all that is over now and I'm actually on rather good terms with the male lead of the scandal. Haha. More like a little brother to me though. Haha again. I'm thankful for it, 'cause it brought my mind off my relationship for a while, allowed me to cool off and re-evaluate myself. Not forgetting my dear friend xianhui. She's definitely not the little girl I used to know back in secondary school. I sorta see my old self in her sometimes and it feel funny inside me. Wondering how her path will be different from mine. We'll just wait and see then.
Ok before I finish this off, maybe I could just let whoever might been reading this know what I've been physically doing for the past few weeks. Before I went for my 2 weeks HO course, had a short cruise vacation with my parents for my birthday. Nothing fascinating but it's the fact that I actually spent some time with them that matters. Prior to it I spent my 1st birthday with my darling on 1dec. Feels weird 'cause we were kinda sharing the limelight for the day, since our birthdays are 1 day and 1.5hours apart! But that day was great. Chicken Little had a part to play in it of course! Then during the course other than the regular campcraft and drills, I can only say I enjoyed the shoot. My marksman skills hasn't deteriorated that much! The best part had to be the ATC. Jetty jump, Challenge tower, Flying fox, abseiling, rock climbing, campfire. Fun and exciting. During graduation, it was all about the photos. Of course I couldn't escape from the scandal issue so might as well gracefully accept it and be a sport. Hehe. Came back hall, cleared up the last bit of fog with my dear and all seems fine until now. My things are getting back on track and I love the feeling of control. Routines and schedules isn't what I'm particularly fond of but I guess they are unavoidable.
Ok that's all for today, I'm getting pretty dried up with all this blogging for a day. Ta~.
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