My heart goes out to all affected by the tsunami tragedy

Finally back home after a full week of activities. New year's eve today but I don't feel the joy of it all. Tsunami tragedy in the region caused so many deaths, leaving many homeless, without their kin or kith to receive the new year. Although I know we all should stay positive in the light of the tragedy, I can't help but feel for their loss.
Personally I don't feel too great either. Not that counting down at home with mummy and daddy is totally horrible or what, but realising everyone else has got somewhere else to go celebrate at and with makes the night extra lonesome. I wonder what he is doing tonight. He still doesn't know. Trapped by my own feeling, hindered by my own cowardice. And my supposed best buddies don't seem to understand me anymore. No one sees the sadness, the disappointment, the suppression in me. I feel neglected. No. Mummy and daddy remembers. I'm their little princess. They love me. Yes. They do. I don't care how others treat me. They don't care why should I. I shouldn't be crying over this. Daddy wouldn't like to see me like this. For them I'll be happy. I love you, Mummy and Daddy.

2005 creeping up on us

Sorry that I left so abruptly for my last entry. This is to make up for it. I've so much to spill out I don't know how long this will take.
Cheerleading EVERY day for the past 4 days. Goodness my neck is simply giving way. In fact my right knee as well, probably from all the grinding and impact from dance mainly. I need a really good rest.
29th December 2004, Wednesday. A day I'll remember very vividly in my hall stay. A day I actually represented Hall 12 in an IH game. Swimming. A sport that took my breath away. A sport that made me understand the sheer effort, determination and dedication a person can put in. We qualified but we lost in the finals. Pure utter disappointment was what I saw in Ailing's eyes when we got disqualified in the medley event. She gave her best but luck wasn't on her side. I shouldn't say luck, but I can't find a more suitable description. Shed the tears, picked herself back up and continued her role as the swim team manager. Encouraged the qualifying teams while holding back the tears. Each time she came out of the pool she will definitely weak on her knees. She really wanted the win. You could see it in her eyes. I'm sorry, Ailing. I felt I did my best but I realised I'm a long way to it. Why? 'Cause you showed me what it means to surge all the way. I hated myself. In fact I still do, but it's already over. I can't do anything about it anymore. I can only tell you I will be back next season. Stronger, physically and mentally. More dedicated, with my heart and soul. To feel the passion that once overflowed in me. To find back the lost love. Like how Ed put it, "this time it marks a point which you must exceed the next time round". Now 29th December 2004 is not just a goal, it has become a part of the route to a better me.
It's now still aching all over. The neck and right ankle is mainly from swimming, while the butt and right arm hurts from cheerleading. Did a basket toss that went up high, but also to the right. Flew out my right base. Landed off the mat on hard tiles. Thank god for the vigilant eyes and swift reaction from Colin. Without which I would have probably hit my tailbone and injured my spine. Did a liberty and fell forward. Landed on my right, hitting the right upper arm.
Now it's injuries all over. I ought to get some terribly good decent rest. Especially after a full night of activity, moving back to my old room. Yeap, I'm back. Good news or bad news? I don't know. We just wait and see. Woke up for Volleyball girls semis. Hitched a ride in Jorwe's Jaguar to SRC. Nice car. The volleyball girls are fantastic holding out for all 5 sets. The Shuai Jie-Jies were fantastic. Weirong, player number 7, piled on the pressure on Hall 7. Held the team up as much as she could by doing the most she could. Did her magic and held the team up when we were 1 set down. Pulled the team back for a 2nd set win, but fatigue set in and the team lost the third. But Huizhen, player number 4, came back in time to give the much needed confidence booster. Led the team on for a win in the next 2 sets for a place in the finals. Cheerios to the girls. You deserve all the praises and good cheer. It's definitely a Happy New Year's eve for all of you. Hope it will be for me too. Happy 2005 everyone. 2004 has been a very eventful year.

Emergency!

Goodness finally a decent period of time for resting. The past few days was simply madness, especially yesterday. Dancetitude practice in the afternoon at orchard, then rush back(ok not exactly rush I had slightly over an hour cos i took cab back) to hall for swim training...
Emergency! Hockey needs players so I going off now. Continue later. TataZ!

Just a dream or is it a sign?

This afternoon I had a very weird dream. I dreamt that a guy made a move. Held me tight in his arms as he sheltered me in the rain. Asked me what exactly do I mean by how I was treating him. I couldn't see his face somehow. He seemed like a person I was willing to accept but with reservations still. In the dream, several faces flashed through when he suddenly held me extra tightly. Maybe I could have lifted my head to see who he was but I didn't dare to. I wanted to rationally choose who to be with in real-life, and not to based it on a dream, a supposed fated result. Or maybe it was meant to be this way, that I wouldn't see his face. He sounded gentle, yet his arms held me real strong and tight like I could just collapse and fall without worrying about he not being able to catch me. The way he spoke was humourous yet it was overflowing with his preoccupation with me. I don't know. It's just a dream. Maybe this is how I would want to see myself in the future. How I would like it to be.
Anyway I'm just back from the movies at Marina Square. Kungfu Hustle. Very funny. Before that I went over to Church of Singapore to see Shu-Ying with her performance for her church's Children Ministry. A puppet play called The Puzzle, introducing Christianity to little kids. Then we went to Siglap for dinner, before heading to Marina for the movie. Good Friend kinda made a slight move today. He waited like near an hour to go home with me. He could have left early with the others he was with but he didn't. He said he was taking photos at Merlion Park. What do you think? Whatever it is, I got to make clear it's not possible between us. Yup, I'll do that should he make any concrete move. Yup, that's going to be my plan. Just pray that Ed doesn't get the wrong idea before that. I'll really go nuts.

Merry Christmas

Just back from Jansen's place, had a Christmas celebration over at his place. Just a small group of his old friends, Shu-Ying and me. Joined his family at Midnight Mass, my first time attending something like that. It was a nice experience, being able to see how Catholics celebrate the arrival of Christmas. Although I couldn't understand a large chunk of the procedure, I gladly joined in all the spiritual atmosphere. Especially enjoyed it when they shared Christmas wishes with and wished peace to each other around the church. Certainly a very heartwarming moment as I could really feel the sincerity from the people. So much that I prayed in my own way that they will all remain safe and healthy. The love and bond Jansen's family shared made me envious. Not that my family doesn't share such a bond, but we express it more in our own subtle way, traditional Asian style. For that I wish Mummy and Daddy to stay strong together and with me, showering Jie-Jie and me with the love they have been giving to us for the past 20-odd years. I love you all. And that includes my dear irritating Jie-Jie.
Merry Christmas and I truly mean what I say. Hope you stay happy, whether it was or not I who made you happy for the festive season. Makes me happy to feel your cheerfulness. You need not openly show it but from a simple sms it shows enough. Enough for me at least. If I have the chance, I will be the Happiness you asked for on Christmas. Joy to all.

It's over

Finally it's over. Don't know if I'll do well in it. Actually don't even know if I can pass it. Hell with it. Munching on torilla chips. Piling on the pounds again. Swimming training later and I'm dreading it. Why? I use to love swimming so much. Maybe I still do just that I hate training. I never minded going for netball training though. Darn what's the matter with me? Never mind Christmas's almost here already, enjoy the time now while I can 'cause the semester's gonna take the bang out of me definitely.

Happy Sha La La

Goodness! My GE exam is tomorrow and I'm only 1 out of 12 lectures prepared for it! *Panic* Luckily I can still kind of remember what I learnt in lectures. But the problem is I didn't go for the last few and I don't know what I missed! I need a miracle! (So what the hell am I still here blogging?)
Probably the reason is that the day began on a happy note. He finally msn me after so many days. After I kind of scolded him. An agonizing few days. I felt funny during filming on saturday felt weird. I didn't know if he was truly happy that day or simply hiding as I told him to. It didn't feel right somehow. For the past 2 days especially, I came back from dance hoping to get a msn message from him. Asking about how practice was, how I felt. No message. I waited every night without fail till he logs off before I do. Even that I somehow instinctively left the laptop on, hoping for a message in the morning. Today I got my wish. The wait paid off, so has the hardwork by my dear laptop. Now I feel the need to secure my laptop. Password required. Too many secrets.
Yesterday night was hellish. Not as in totally but not the best of it. Physically, I sucked during cheerleading practice. What ever happened to the wonderful liberty I had on my first few attempts? Damn. Basket toss was terrible too. Kicked my main base in the face and hitted myself on the back of my head. Ouch. The tangyuan supper was all a joke with me being "obsessed" with Jieming. C'mon guys if I was I wouldn't wait till now. But the worse was when Jean asked about the msn nicks. Fancy asking Lime about who he was referring to in the nick. Goodness. I can't confirm but I felt funny. The arrow was back at me. Darn.
Whatever it is, let's concentrate on tomorrow's exam first. Air Quality Management. Duh. Why the hell did I choose that? But I've gotta admit parts of it are relatively interesting. Good luck to myself! And to you, the one who took my breath away and sends my heart pounding. You'll be fine, don't be confused. You'll find your way soon.

Dead from grooving

Now the madness training is on for Dancetitude 2005. Doing 2 dance items for the event. Of course it isn't solo, BUT... nevertheless I REALLY hoping you guys can make it down to support! It's in FEBRUARY, can't remember the exact date but definitely in NTU Nanyang Auditorium. In the meantime, I'll make sure I work my ass off for the best performance you guys can see(at least from me! Some others are miles ahead of me already!). So make sure you guys are there and spread the message to the rest!
Hall D&D's on the agenda and yours truly is the programmer. So if you guys happen to have any contacts for venues suitable let me know ok? Oh and if you have any ideas(and hopefully the contacts too) for programmes(entertainment shows, games, etc.) PLEASE let me know too! My brain juice is like running absolutely dry!!!
Cheerleading practice is on tonight. But it's damn fun! Hope I can do basket toss again tonight! Goodness thought the guys would never be able to throw me up, but they did! Almost 2 storeys high! FUN! Just hope we get everything in place for january's competition. *Cross fingers*
Hopefully I can survive tonight's cheerleading practice and D&D meeting which clashes(what's new eh? everything has been clashing for me since beginning of holidays "P), 'cause tomorrow's gonna be another horrendous day of dance practice in the afternoon and cheerleading at night, oh and not forgetting the insane driving circuit at 7 in UBI! Gwad! Somebody save me!

Star Gazing

I can't believe what I said to him today. I kinda lost my temper at him. I knew I shouldn't have but I felt I needed to wake him up. Get him out of his miserable shell. He failed a module and felt terrible about it. I can empathize with that. But to say "I suck" to yourself? Where's the pride and dignity? Is this my threshold? The point that tells me I can't survive with him in my life? That he is too much for me to handle? I don't know. I 'll probably drown myself in the stars tonight.

Shimmers

Tiring Dancetitude training. Actually it isn't that tough, it's just very pressurizing having to pick up the steps at such a quick pace. Now I'm more worried about Pat's dance for the Computer Engineering segment. Stress is piling up but it's a different kind of stress from the one weeks ago.
Tonight's stars are really beautiful. Clear skies, shimmering speckles. It's like telling me to hold on to my dreams. Telling me beautiful things do exist. Telling me that somewhere out there someone's thinking and praying for me to be safe and loved. Lying there on the court, staring into the brightly-lit sky, listening to the supportive conversation between the 2 of them. Makes me imagine if I'll have the chance to be in their shoes. To have a supportive partner by my side, to make myself a better person in all aspects.

Jealousy

Damn it. I suddenly feel the drain from me. Not physically. I only had driving circuit in the morning and cheerleading at night. Maybe it's really 'cause I'm feeling the mental drain.
For a day which I don't expect to see him, I'm exceptionally lucky. Somehow SiJia decided to ask me along to support the Hall team for Volleyball(female). I don't know why but maybe she felt I was available and was comfortable with me. Or maybe it was fate playing its game again. Wanted to leave back hall when he suddenly called out for us to join them. I didn't have to make the decision. It seemed like a spontaneous reaction. Then a trip to JP. We didn't talk much but I could somehow feel him opening up. Not just to me though, to everyone around. I just felt I couldn't have caused such a deep impact. I wasn't confident of doing so. I could still feel the barrier between us. Like an invisible force field. I couldn't help it. I felt jealous. Jealous that they joked about him being with someone else. Jealous that I wasn't even in the picture. Joke or no joke it hurted. Especially because he did not msn me today I felt empty somewhere. Something's missing. Does someone else holds a spot in his heart?
C'mon girl! Get a grip! Exam's coming and you haven't been paying attention in class. It's time to get practical and studying. Got Dancetitude practice tomorrow night. Probably be dead-beat after it. I'm going to sleep.

Results are out!

Got my results back today. Wasn't too satisfied but if I were to look at it more optimistically, at least I didn't da-bao any modules. Anyway I think I'm too tired the entire day to think about the lousy results. Simply shagged after swimming training. Was really looking forward to the netball match but I didn't get to play though. Nevertheless, it was a really exciting match. Now I really understand why they are IVP players, the composure and determination they have is simply admirable. Please don't mind my negativity but I don't think I can achieve that at my rate of progress. Well I'm not training for IVP so never mind it.
Had a short conversation with him just now. He has a quiz tomorrow, I guess it's gotta do with his accounting GE. What else can it be? Now it has sort of become a daily thing where he'll notice my msn nick and message me something or simply ask about something he knew I did that day. It somehow makes me look forward to the end of the day everyday. If this continues it wouldn't be long before I manage to pluck out the courage to confess. But in the meantime I'll seriously consider what I should do and how I should approach it. Mind you, I'm not having a crush right now, I seriously feel I'm ready to go into a relationship and I'm going to do my best to make it work.

OrchardJam

Finally, OrchardJam is over. My 1st public performance. Glad that all the practices are over for now and that we had a relatively good response. Support from my dear sister and jan-jan was absolutely great. Just that I wasn't exactly most happy. Why? 'Cause he didn't turn up. Why is it bothering me so much? Let it go girl. Like jan-jan said, either you let it out and just simply go for it or simply stop wasting more time waiting and speculating. Yesterday's conversation was absolutely coonfusing for me. I didn't know whether to be happy that he bothered or to be sad and worried that he thinks I like another. Worse still if he is actually helping a friend as jan-jan speculates. But it's really too much a coincidence that I suspect a conspiracy. Mind-boggling. I guess my final decision is to wait until we know each other longer before I actually try something daring.
Anyway thanks to jan-jan who bothered to come and support me. It meant a lot to me. Especially when he didn't come at all on both days.

adoption

adopt your own virtual pet!

Here's a pet to keep me accompany on this lonely night. Hmm.. maybe jean is right. It's worse off having loved before than never been loved. The pain comes along with all the beautiful memories we wanna keep. Well watching too much of those flash animations isn't doing me much good. Makes me think and ponder too much. Unrealistic. Even a simple joke made me think so much. Did he really took the characters to be the true us? Or was he just making a passing remark? Girlfriend? Is it possible? It all suddenly flashed passed. Felt so anxious, so uneasy that I couldn't make myself slow down my footsteps to let him catch up with me and have a decent conversation while we walked.
Girl, you are so pathetic. Pick yourself up!

Romance hangs

After a terrible 'last night', today's karung guni canvassing was kinda spirit-lifting. But i guess the true reason is after talking to jan-jan(Hey! It rhymes with jack-jack!). Really thank you so much girl for never failing to bring me back on track. Show me the hope when I lost my spark of life. I don't know why but I couldn't control my emoitions but just poured out all my woes on you. I hope I wasn't too much to you, 'cause I know it affects you too that we are kind of alone now. I'm not the only person with problems but you hardly ever bothered me with yours. And just because of this I will always treasure you more than anyone else I'll ever know. Don't you worry about "zhong se qing you", 'cause no guy is more important than my best budd. If not for her I'll probably not be the person I am, grown up and all. If I ever get hitched I'm sure jan-jan will have a part to play in giving me the courage to face the relationship and accept it wholeheartedly. Last night although you were not physically with you, through a mere phone call you gave me the assurance and a crying shoulder. Sitting there on the benches it felt cold, but when it was supposed to get worse when the tears starting pouring, I felt like you were just beside lending me a shoulder. For you and for myself I will face up to what I feel right. No regrets.
Now I really feel it's fate or something is going on on his side of the 'relationship'. First, he happened to be the good friend of someone I got along with very well. Second, with no preparation at all because of a last minute decision, I ended up in a situation I thought only happened in fairytales. Thirdly, when I thought I missed the chance to work with him because of a gut decision, things turn around and now, TODAY, I'm working in the same team as him. Although it wasn't only the two of us but being able to see him from such close proximity simply sends my heart rate steadily upwards. He has this innocence in his eyes that I can't keep my eyes off them, but at the same time it seems so deep I daren't look into them. It's as if he saw me doing so for even just a split second he'll probably find out what I was thinking, and probably how I feel towards him. Where's the courage you used to have girl?! Just because a guy didn't response and another who was a total jerk and went after your best buddy? Wake up your idea, girl! What you should ask yourself now is what attracted you to him? Is it like in nic's case? You hardly know the guy but yet you can't help yourself but be helplessly attracted to him, like a hungry bee to a blooming flower. Whatever the case, your gut feelings, though has never proven its worth in terms of romance, never failed you in the other aspects. You never got severly hurt romantically 'cause you've never been in one. Break out of it! Tell yourself "I wanna know what it is like to love and be loved. I wanna find out what it is like to feel touched, protected, fragile, cuddled, smooched, even if it means to get heartbroken, torn, jealous."
I've listened to enough love songs to know it's not going to be perfect. The perfect man does not exist in real-life. Realised what makes a relationship beautiful is not how perfect the individual is and how compatible they are, but how they work around the flaws and rough edges to make things work out just fine eventually. I wanna get hurt! I wanna to be able to say I know how it feels to look forward to a day simply because HE exists. I'm going to make things work. Like jan-jan said, jia xi zhen zuo, at least I can't take the chance to know him deeper, reveal a bit of myself to him. Let him know that I'm not as I portray myself, I have another side. A side I'm ready to open and let him explore.
Jan-jan, give me the strength. Let us hold each other down this quest of ours. To experience what it means to be a female.