After a terrible 'last night', today's karung guni canvassing was kinda spirit-lifting. But i guess the true reason is after talking to jan-jan(Hey! It rhymes with jack-jack!). Really thank you so much girl for never failing to bring me back on track. Show me the hope when I lost my spark of life. I don't know why but I couldn't control my emoitions but just poured out all my woes on you. I hope I wasn't too much to you, 'cause I know it affects you too that we are kind of alone now. I'm not the only person with problems but you hardly ever bothered me with yours. And just because of this I will always treasure you more than anyone else I'll ever know. Don't you worry about "zhong se qing you", 'cause no guy is more important than my best budd. If not for her I'll probably not be the person I am, grown up and all. If I ever get hitched I'm sure jan-jan will have a part to play in giving me the courage to face the relationship and accept it wholeheartedly. Last night although you were not physically with you, through a mere phone call you gave me the assurance and a crying shoulder. Sitting there on the benches it felt cold, but when it was supposed to get worse when the tears starting pouring, I felt like you were just beside lending me a shoulder. For you and for myself I will face up to what I feel right. No regrets.
Now I really feel it's fate or something is going on on his side of the 'relationship'. First, he happened to be the good friend of someone I got along with very well. Second, with no preparation at all because of a last minute decision, I ended up in a situation I thought only happened in fairytales. Thirdly, when I thought I missed the chance to work with him because of a gut decision, things turn around and now, TODAY, I'm working in the same team as him. Although it wasn't only the two of us but being able to see him from such close proximity simply sends my heart rate steadily upwards. He has this innocence in his eyes that I can't keep my eyes off them, but at the same time it seems so deep I daren't look into them. It's as if he saw me doing so for even just a split second he'll probably find out what I was thinking, and probably how I feel towards him. Where's the courage you used to have girl?! Just because a guy didn't response and another who was a total jerk and went after your best buddy? Wake up your idea, girl! What you should ask yourself now is what attracted you to him? Is it like in nic's case? You hardly know the guy but yet you can't help yourself but be helplessly attracted to him, like a hungry bee to a blooming flower. Whatever the case, your gut feelings, though has never proven its worth in terms of romance, never failed you in the other aspects. You never got severly hurt romantically 'cause you've never been in one. Break out of it! Tell yourself "I wanna know what it is like to love and be loved. I wanna find out what it is like to feel touched, protected, fragile, cuddled, smooched, even if it means to get heartbroken, torn, jealous."
I've listened to enough love songs to know it's not going to be perfect. The perfect man does not exist in real-life. Realised what makes a relationship beautiful is not how perfect the individual is and how compatible they are, but how they work around the flaws and rough edges to make things work out just fine eventually. I wanna get hurt! I wanna to be able to say I know how it feels to look forward to a day simply because HE exists. I'm going to make things work. Like jan-jan said, jia xi zhen zuo, at least I can't take the chance to know him deeper, reveal a bit of myself to him. Let him know that I'm not as I portray myself, I have another side. A side I'm ready to open and let him explore.
Jan-jan, give me the strength. Let us hold each other down this quest of ours. To experience what it means to be a female.
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