Terrible. Confusion. Indecision. I'll probably die any moment now if I continue to brood over it. Why? Seems like a small problem. It's just a matter of this or that. Why the hell am I killing my brain cells over it?? In any case I enjoy the self-importance part. Hey, why should one feel proud to be approached to join a special project MAIN comm? 2, in fact. I've gotta admit I feel all-important at this point, which is good. I guess if the chairperson can make his/her commers feel in such a way, the willingness on our side will definitely be much higher, owing to the fact that the appreciation for the effort is there. I DO take that very seriously. What the hell would I work my ass off for if I get peanuts in material terms? Of course it's for the freaking recognition! I'm no saint here who is all for the good of MY people. C'mon, wake up to reality. I'm not responsible for all the losers around. Either they can fight their own battle in this bloody war called survival, or they can jolly well get trampled in others' battles. Okay I better cool myself off. Maybe it's the weather. It's a freaking humid day. (I'm such a jerk. Yeah, blame everything on the weather. Of course it's got ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with your character. I'm so 'perfect'.) That just killed the remaining ounces of confidence I had about being it either of the committee. Admit it. I'm afraid I'll show my incompetency when I actually do work. What I've been perceived to be has mostly been from mere speculation on the chairpersons' part. Which makes me wonder: How the hell can people come to such conclusion about a person's capabilities? The aura? Sphere of influence? Who's to determine this 'FEELING' that I exude? It's like when people think I'm really 'ga-rang'. Actual fact? I'm just a lousy scaredy kitten hiding in a tiger's skin for camouflage.
Let it be. I'll just disgrace myself once and for all. Let everyone know I'm not that desirable as a co-worker. Spare me the agony in times to come.
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